Archive for month: June, 2013

Self-Help Books or Self-Hurt Books?

That Self-Help Book is Hurting You!

You read that right.  Books that seem like they should be helping, might actually be hurting us, especially when our purpose for reading is only to validate our feelings – and those feelings are not productive, or positive.

I was married in 2001 and looked forward to children following soon afterwards.  I am not going to spend a whole lot of time recalling the pain and, well, agony I experienced during my five years of marriage failing at conceiving.  I am just going to say I was a miserable person.  I was not a lot of fun to be around, and certainly no fun to be married to. I read books that were supposed to make me feel better, because I could find solace in knowing that others shared my pain.  It was a testament to misery loves company.

I was a failure.

Those kinds of books sell like hot cakes.  People who are in pain, hurting and seeking answers from an outside source will pay lots of money and buy lots of books to somehow feel like they are easing their pain.  The fact is, nothing was going to ease my pain, because I was focusing on my pain, and I was relying on something outside of me to make it better.  I was a failure.

But I didn’t have to be.  It wasn’t just the books I was reading, it was the actions I was taking, the thoughts I was thinking.  Instead of finding something productive to do, I chose to wallow in my misery and think about how unfair it was that my friends had what I wanted and I didn’t.  I wondered if this was punishment for all of my mistakes as a teenager.  I started to think I didn’t deserve to have a child.  You get the picture.  Because I was spending all this time thinking about what was wrong, I couldn’t see what was right. The books I was reading were fueling this fire and making it worse, not better.  I am sure the authors of these books had every intention of helping their readers, but the reality was, they kept me focused on what was missing and they didn’t challenge me to do anything!

Personal Development vs Self-Help

I don’t read Self-Help books anymore.  I don’t spend much time with people who are in that place I was in 8 years ago either – because I know they are stuck and nothing I (or anyone) can say will help them out of their rut.  It’s up to them and only them to decide they are going to change their focus and begin to look for things that will challenge them to be better.  It’s their job to identify within themselves their strengths and overcome their fear of failure.  Those so-called “self-help” books might be helping people stay stuck.

Reflect and celebrate growth and positive change.

This shift is something I have been thinking about a lot lately – I have made a lot of progress in my life.  I recently realized that my stack of books is different.  The books I read today connect me to a different mindset.  A mindset that has released me from my painful past, and allowed me to embrace today, and look for opportunities to improve myself.  The books aren’t the answer, but they have helped me discover my own answers and I encourage you to look at your stack of books and decide if they are helping you or hurting you.  If they aren’t asking you to be better.  If they just tell you it’s ok to be stuck, that others feel your pain, stop reading them!  Start reading books that will lead you to find the awesome person that is inside you.  You might not believe me, but she’s in there – waiting for you to let her out and blossom.

Below are some of the books that I believe have helped me find the path to AWESOME – it’s a path I am enjoying more than any other path I have experienced so far in my life. But I want whoever is reading this to know – no one can find the path for you, it’s easy to stray from the path, and it’s easy to listen to the voices and the conventional thinkers who believe you have to wait until you are chosen to qualify for AWESOME.  They are creating their own reality.  I am creating AWESOME and you can too!

The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson

Start Where You Are by Chris Gardner

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

The Icarus Deception by Seth Godin

Start with Why by Simon Sinek

Start. Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average. Do Work that Matters but Jon Acuff

Which books have you read that have supported your journey to claiming your AWESOME, ignited your passion, or inspired you to break away from ordinary?  I’d love to add more empowering titles to my list!

Lakeland Speakers and Seminar Series Encourage You to Claim Your Life

It’s Time to Claim your Life!

No matter who you are, or where you’ve been, you can have the very best life. The life you’ve always imagined is well within your reach. There is no magic potion, or special invitation required. All you need to do is CLAIM it!

Please join Grant Nieddu from State of the Spark, Sarah Bingham from Fast Food Healing, Chrissanne Long from Reinventing Awesome and Paul Singer from 3 Yeses Seminars!

The seminar is designed to get you excited about the possibilities in your life, the attitudes necessary for success and the strategies, tools and resources you can use to begin immediately to CLAIM YOUR LIFE.

Have you ever wondered if there was something more out there for you? Or, have you thought, You have everything you’ve ever wanted, but you’d like to have a little more pep in your step, more energy to invest in your family, your career, or your community? There are so many exciting things the Claim Your Life Seminar can do. But the biggest goal, the purpose for the event, is to bring the audience a slice of 4 very different perspectives – with the same, consistent message. Being the best person you can be doesn’t require you start over from scratch. Everything you need is right there, waiting for you to claim it and make it perfectly, uniquely and completely YOURS.

 

A Rich Sense of Community | What Makes People Stay?

What Makes People Stay?

Today, I attended the Downtown Lakeland Partnership’s General Meeting at Trinity Presbyterian Church.  Tim Rice,  the Pastor, spoke on the topic of building a rich sense of community.  He suggested that one of the challenges we face in society today is “rootlessness.” There is no strong sense of belonging, or establishment of roots/connection to a particular place.  He challenged us, as members of the business community to focus on this idea when considering how to strengthen the city, how to attract (and keep) young professionals, skilled professionals, passionate artists, and other talented people to live (and stay) in Lakeland.   As a result of his discussion and the questions he asked throughout his presentation, I walked away wondering, “What makes people stay?”

Tim talked about his personal decision to stay in Lakeland – to make the community and his church stronger.  This community, he said, is his ministry. He has made a promise to remain in Lakeland for the rest of his life, his words were, “I am here until I die.”  I thought of the impact of those words.  The strength behind them.  To make a decision that, no matter what happens; no matter what offers come from Birmingham, or anywhere else, this is where he wants to be.

Lakeland might be his calling.  But what about the rest of us? And what about those who aren’t sure where they want to be?  What will make people want to stay in Lakeland? But my questions didn’t stop there.

What makes people want to “hang out” and commiserate?

I wondered, after he finished speaking, what makes people stay anywhere?  Not just to remain in a community, but what makes them attend and then stay at events, or gatherings?  I believe this smaller question might lead us to the answer to the bigger question.  If we can understand what makes people want to be a part of different clubs or organizations, why they attend certain events, or want to reach out to help others, or simply continue talking about important issues, even if it seems like it might not make a difference, I think we might be able to better understand why people feel compelled to “establish roots” in a particular place.

I believe, in the inner core of my being, that people want to feel connected. They want to know that they matter, that they will be missed when they are gone.  Seth Godin calls this the Linchpin.  A Linchpin, by definition, is a fastener used to prevent a wheel or other part from sliding off the axle upon which it is riding. When I meet new people, I make every effort to receive them warmly, to focus on what they are saying, to ask them questions and give them an opportunity to talk about the things that matter the most to them.  Sometimes, this sparks fascinating conversations.  When the person’s face begins to light up and their gestures become animated, I know that they are passionate about the topic they are discussing.  When we find something on which we connect, and we are both engaged, and animated, that is where true connection begins.

I know when people are interested in what I have to say.  I can tell by the questions they ask, by the way that they listen, by the focus of their eyes.  When there is true connection, people want to stay. It’s my observation that it happens all the time, but many of us dismiss it because we might not have time, or we might not now what to do when we find that true connection on a topic.  Should we e-mail them?  Call them?  Request to connect on LinkedIn? Ask to schedule a meeting to continue the conversation?  Or, do we let it go, allow it to disappear as a fleeting moment, an undocumented connection, because we didn’t know how to build on that opportunity.

I am curious.  What makes you stay?

What experiences have you had that you didn’t want to end.  Have there been times that you wanted to carry on the connections you made and looked forward to the next opportunity to connect again?  What is the impact of building a community of people who stick around? I think we have to start looking at the basics, before we can climb the mountain.  Are we a connected, warm, inviting community?  Or, do you think there are places that are, and places that are not connected, warm and inviting?  I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

All Groups are NOT Created Equal – Finding Value in Online Communities

The Lakeland Business Leaders is an online group that has been bringing people in Lakeland together for the past 2 years.  The group began on Facebook, and most of the connections and interactions are still being developed within the social network.  There are a lot of things I have learned about building online communities, and I continue to learn as we grow.  One of the biggest concerns I hear from business owners and clients is that Facebook and other Social Networks are a time suck. I can understand why this can become a problem for novice Facebook users (and even some advanced users).  Without a strategy or a plan, anything can be a time suck!  Here are the top 5 Things To Look for in an online community to avoid wasting too much time in communities that will not provide value or benefit to the local small business professional or business owner.

Keep in mind, the number one reason to get involved in online communities is to build your brand and your authority on your area of expertise.

1. Guidelines

Without rules, any community will become impossible to manage and probably become ineffective at bringing value to the members. Accountability should be placed on the members to adhere to the guidelines, but there are also moderators who can assist if there are certain guidelines needing to be enforced.  For example, one of the guidelines in the Lakeland Business Leaders Community is that the members use their individual names, not their business name.  This rule is necessary, in my opinion, if there is to be any level of authenticity to the relationships being formed.  No one asks the Auto Body Repair Company to coffee at Mitchell’s!  They ask an individual, an owner, or an employee to coffee.  When we know who the person is that we are communicating with, we can begin to build trust and get to know the personality and character of the individual.  Some might argue that if the product is good, it doesn’t matter what kind of person is selling it.  I disagree, wholeheartedly, but that’s something for the person who is making purchasing decisions to decide for himself.  As for online communities, if you are networking with people, make sure you know who the people are.  It’s in everyone’s best interest in the community to know what the rules are, but you are ultimately the one in control of your security and safety.  Choosing groups that have guidelines might make them more reliable and force the members to be held accountable.  No matter what, always do your own due diligence when choosing to do business with someone you have only met online!

2. Look for Engagement

When you are looking for groups to join, check out the engagement of the members.  If you see one person posting all the time, without any commentary or feedback from other members of the group, chances are, that’s the dynamic of the group.  Similarly, if you see a lot of different people posting promotional/advertisements and there is no conversation going on, that’s likely how the group functions.  If you are just looking for a group to post links and aren’t concerned with getting any feedback or engagement, ask yourself if this is the best use of your time and effort.  The fact is, people aren’t going to be interested in staying up to date with a group that resembles a television channel with no programs, only advertisements.  If your objective is to grow your business, look for places that are interested in you, and a place that has other people you are also interested in.  Some may argue that there is search engine benefit to the links being shared, but research shows that SEO is only benefited with links that are “Do Follow” and the links inside Facebook groups are “No Follow”.  Posting links for the sake of posting links is not a strategy that any professional online marketing consultant would recommend.

3. Real-Life Meetings

Face it, online relationships are tenuous at best.  You don’t always know if a person is genuine by the way they post in a social network.  It’s important that the members of the group have an opportunity to meet “In Real Life”.  While online networking makes it possible to build and nurture business relationships in faster, more efficient way than traditional networking, where the rubber meets the road is actually in the face to face meeting.  When you can look someone in the eye, and get a feeling for their character and their business acumen, you can really begin to build legitimate business connections.  It doesn’t happen overnight, especially when you are new to the community.  Make sure you give yourself time to build and nurture the business relationships and by all means, make sure you show up to the events!  There’s so much truth the the famous quote by Woody Allen:  “80% of success is showing up.”  No online community is going to replace a solid marketing plan.  But networking should be part of any local business’s marketing plan.  With any organization, you will always get back in equal amounts what you put in.  If you give value to the members both online and when networking in real life, you’ll begin to see others referring you and recommending you more frequently – but it will be difficult if no one in the group actually feels like they “know” you.  So, show up and become the known authority on the topics at which you excel!

4. Who are the Members?

Take a look at the people in the group.  It’s OK.  See who they are, what they do and how they interact online.  Are they potential customers/clients?  Do they represent your demographic?  Are they in your target market?  I see a lot of groups of people who do the same things.  If you’re in a group with a bunch of people who do the same things that you do, it’s likely you are not going to be getting a lot of new business from that group!  It’s important to consider the time investment if you’re going to be building relationships with the people in the group.  There are all kinds of different groups for a lot of different niches and topics.  If you’re interested in becoming a known expert on a particular topic, building relationships in an online community is an excellent way to do this.  Just pay attention to the group’s members and decide if it’s a place you want to invest your time and energy.

5. In How Many Groups can you Really Participate?

Facebook limits your account to “only” joining 300 groups.  Really? 300 groups?  How would anyone ever get anything done?  When selecting the groups you are going to join, be realistic and don’t spread yourself too thin.  It might be tempting to join all of the groups on Gardening, for example, but there is no way you can actually keep up with all of the groups, and most importantly, you will have a difficult time building your authority/expert status in all of the groups on gardening.  Select the groups you have a passion or strong interest in, and in which you can legitimately bring value as well as gain value.  Online community building should always (yes, always) provide a win-win opportunity in order to warrant your involvement.  Don’t expect to get if you are unwilling to invest in the community, but also, don’t allow yourself to be the one always giving.  When there is balance in the community, everyone wins.